The Native Tenerife Cactus

Revenge of the Cacti A few years back we went to Tenerife. You will probably be aware that they sell little Cacti everywhere, but I decided I wanted a 'Native' one. To retrieve a cactus I hung precariously over a rocky ledge, pulling a muscle and scraping my ankle. We then took a bus journey with the retrieved cactus in the pocket of my shorts. Out of spite the cactus secretly stuck its barbs into my thighs and testicles. I was unaware of this until we reached the nearby town where we were to disembark. When I stood I screamed in agony attracting the strangest of looks from all around. Hobbling off the bus to a nearby bench I then spent a good ten minutes removing the barbs and a further five removing the remaining ones from the cactus. Victorious we then moved on and entered a supermarket through a turnstile... The cactus in my pocket became trapped between leg and bar and BANG! explosion of red dye and cacti pulp! For seven days I had a purple leg and for the rest of that first day I walked around looking like I had been shot!

Greetings in Greek 

Whilst on holiday in Crete one year I went for a morning walk on the beach. A Greek gentleman was walking towards me so I thought I would try out the local lingo! I shouted Calamari (squid), when I should have said Kalimera (good morning). He probably thought stupid foreigner!

Lessons in French While visiting my sister in Marseille I decided it was a really good idea to get my haircut even though I don't speak French. I met the hairdresser and a friend 'explained' to him what look I was after. My friend had to go so I was left alone. The hairdresser did the usual playing about with my hair (I have to say here that my hair is naturally very, very thick and quite wild and what I was after was a thinned out, layered and straightened hairstyle). I was sent over to the washer and returned to my chair for 'le cut' - it was then he asked me, in French, what I wanted? So in my pigeon French I tried to explain again. He started chopping away then asked me 'red?' I thought he meant did I want red hair so I said ‘No.’ Later, after watching my hair transform into some sort of atomic mushroom, my friend reappeared and explained: ‘Oh, no he said 'raide' (pronounced red) - it means do you want it straight?’ to which I had given a negative reply! So, the moral of the story is - learn the language or live with the big hair!

Portuguese Toilets It is always funny when someone walks into the wrong loo, men going to the ladies or women to the gents or…

Recently on a trip to Portugal, first time abroad, I got to use a French style toilet (hole in the ground) in some village, which I took a picture of as I have never seen anything like it. Later on in a shopping centre in Guia I went to the toilet and it was so  tiny I even thought it was cute. There were no doors and you could see from your chest upwards when you had a wee. I was getting a dodgy look from a woman. She left and when I finished I took a picture again to show my boyfriend how small it was. When I left the toilet I noticed the sign above the door saying ‘Children’s’ toilet’ Oh, the shame when I realised the other woman had her child with her, so it was the little girl who was going to the toilet. Good job there was no one in there when I was taking the photograph!

The Big Trek Women are world experts in packing luggage, and they never ever take too much stuff. This story proves it.

My sister and I recently went travelling to Thailand. We were advised to go on a Trek due to waiting for our visas to come through. So after briefly seeing pictures of a Trek the travel adviser recommended us, I'd noticed that there were rooms with bathrooms and electricity in the photos, so we packed our hair dryers and straighteners...only to find out that these photos were of the accommodation the night before the Trek. We spent the next two nights camping in the middle of nowhere. Over the next three days, we hiked up and down mountains with our electrical items tucked at the bottom of our backpacks, uttering not a word to others on our journey. What were we thinking? That there would be plugs on the trees? What we failed to bring, however, were the essentials - toilet roll, snacks and a torch. And my sister's only form of footwear were her faithful flip-flops!

Thai Fashion In Thailand they have invented their own tailor-made size system to fit anyone. 

Although getting tailor made clothes is cheap in Thailand, I had decided not to have clothes made in Bangkok because I had recently put on a bit more than a bit of weight. Anyway, we were walking past tailor after tailor, all calling out and wanting to make a sale to the slightly overweight western chick. I turned back to one group of lovely ladies and said "I don't want anything made thanks, I'm too fat". To which they replied "That's OK we'll make it fat for you". Of course, my partner almost fell over in stitches!

Tunisian Beauty In Tunisia complimenting is part and parcel of local etiquette and they are highly inventive when it comes to offering travellers the kindest of compliments.

Walking along the harbour at Port El Kantaoui, Tunisia with my other half, a Tunisian man shouts to him "Hey, you a very lucky man! Your woman has big legs!" Given that I am only 5'2", I can only assume he was complimenting the girth rather than length of my legs! I wasn't particularly happy about this!

Attack of the Bug Safety advice: those travelling to Africa beware of the big bad bugs.

I was touring Africa with a friend and we were in a very rundown hotel in Nigeria. Settling down for the night, she suddenly screamed and flew out of bed like a rocket. There was "something" in the bed! Very carefully and from a distance we tweaked back the sheet and found ..... a peanut!

Oops! Losing stuff on a holiday can be a nuisance but losing your clothes at the wrong time and place can be ...

The funniest thing to happen to me on holiday has to be after lots of protest I reluctantly agreed to go down a nearly vertical drop water slide and with all the water spraying up, to my embarrassment my bikini top did not stay where it should have. Now I only go to water parks with a full swimming costume.

The Mysterious Room Those who cannot hold their alcohol end up in unexpected places. 

I went for a little holiday in Dorset with my other half. We stayed on a holiday camp, going off site one night we had way too many drinks and came back late. We spent ages trying to get back into our room then spent most of the night in the lobby after finding out we had gone back to the wrong camp!

Source:  http://www.travelmatch.co.uk/blog/2011/07/26/top-10-funniest-holiday-stories/