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This Ad was placed in the Personal Columns of a Daily Newspaper in
Durban
To the well dressed black dude who tried to mug me on Durban Beachfront
three nights ago.
I was the guy wearing the black denim jacket that you demanded I
hand over along with my wallet, shortly after you pulled the knife on my
girlfriend & I, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse, rings and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important
message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my
pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I
was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Glock Pistol for Xmas, and we had
picked up a new 'fast draw' shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed
at your head wasn't it, especially when I blasted that one and only shot
right past your right ear and out to sea?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
bare footed with your ear bleeding and ringing like a church bell, since
I made you leave your expensive shoes, Nokia cellphone, and wallet with
me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
and help you mug us again.
After I called your mother, or "Mama" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Fortunately she
spoke English too, and she seemed very shocked, said you worked at a
local bank and wouldn’t do what I was telling her you had done. Anyway, I
then went and filled up my petrol tank as well as four other people's
at the Garage on your credit card. The guy with the big V8 Jeeps tank
took R800. He was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Joe Kools, along with all
the cash in your wallet. That made his day!
I then threw your wallet into the big 7 series Beemer that was parked
at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed
the entire driver's side of the car. I know that this bling car belongs
to a local enforcer and bouncer.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone.
Vodacom has just shut down the line, although I only used the phone for
a little over a day, so what's going on??
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the local
ANC office and one to the Bureau of State Security (‘Intelligence
Services’) too, while mentioning President Zuma and Julius Malema as my
probable targets. The state security guy seemed very intense and we
had a nice long chat - I guess, while he was tracing your number etc.
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some
of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you
have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career
path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Chris
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