Reggie Dwight and Faruk Balsamic were dismissed with immediate effect, and escorted from their Auckland Park offices today, after they were found to be in possession of banned materials. The men, both from the SABC's Strategic Planning division, were apparently seen reading from very thick textbooks and using complicated charts to map a way forward for the parastatal. They were reported to senior management, who dispatched security to deal with them.

SABC spokesperson, Kaizer Kganyago, says the men were in violation of new rules which forbid the use of abstract, imperialistic, academic concepts, and the possession of any books thicker than one's index finger. None of the books the planners were apparently consulting contained the minimum of 65% illustrations which would allow them to pass the SABC's new policies.

Dwight has indicated that he will be consulting with his attorneys, as he was simply doing his job.

"I really don't think these guys understand what they're doing. We were analysing the organisation's projected income for the following five years, when suddenly security burst in, with a few members of management," he said from his bed in Milpark Hospital. "They said our calculations look like witchcraft symbols, and that demons must be beaten out of us. I woke up on the pavement."

The SABC, however, says they are ready to face the two in court.

"These men were clearly trying to be clever people," Kganyago said at a press briefing this morning. "One of them tried to convince us that the pictures in his book qualified, but we know pictures. Those were graphs. The problem with clever people who understand graphs is their tendency to spread disruptive lies. Before you know it, people will think they need to be educated in order to be successful."

The SABC has come under fire lately, for decisions made by its COO, Hlaudi Motsoeneng.

Motsoeneng has instituted a strict 90% local music quota on all SABC radio stations, despite research that suggests the stations could suffer an exodus of listeners, who prefer more variety.

Motsoeneng responded to critics saying, "I'm Hlaudi Motsoeneng, baby! I've never done a shred of research and I earn a hundred times as much as you. Trust me!"

Motsoeneng has also banned the reading of newspaper headlines on air, and has recently come under fire for saying academics read too much.

He denies that his new policies promote anti-intellectualism, saying he is simply "trying to keep uBaba happy. A happy Baba is a benevolent Baba."

He refused to explain what this means, but did elaborate on his views of critical thought.

"I myself am an intellectual. I'm Hlaudi, baby! I intellectualise at least twice a day, sometimes thrice. The problem with with these so-called planners is that they are all talk. I believe actions speak louder than words. And what are thoughts, but words? Words in your head..."

Well-known struggle poet, Mzawaki Mbuli, also came out in defence of recent happenings at the SABC, quoting a line from a song he wrote in honor of Motsoeneng: "Africa is shaped like a question mark. Shaped like a question mark. Like a question mark... What is the question?"

Earl Coetzee

PLEASE NOTE: The above article is a work of satire. Some details may have been taken from or inspired by real news events, but the story is almost entirely a work of fiction. Almost.  The story uses real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways.